I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
