it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize
