I don't remember. Are we still dating?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize