I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
