Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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