Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
