I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
