It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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