On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
