So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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