Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
