I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
