What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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