sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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