He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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