Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
