dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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