Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
