but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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