oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
