I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
