Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
