I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
