My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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