1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I have feelings that need drinking.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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