I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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