when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
