I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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