You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
