my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
