i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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