i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
