One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
