You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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