I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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