When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
