sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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