I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
