I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
