She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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