the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
