I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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