i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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