what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm getting married
To pizza
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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