I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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