I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
