I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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