Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
