dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
