If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
