I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
