I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
