I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
