I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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