My room smells like vodka and shame
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
