you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She even gives head with a lisp.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
