I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
