ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
