i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize